Letter to my son: I had a life before you that I will never live again

Margarita Skopeliti
4 min readMay 16, 2022
Photo by Jorge Fakhouri Filho

I may be, probably a lot, very raw and brutal in this letter.

Reading this before your 30th birthday could be traumatic. So I will be sure this is not done by destroying this letter. And because I will be destroying this letter, I can write as free as I want, even exaggerate as a means of letting all feelings out.

Giving birth to you was a hallmark in my life.

It’s not that I didn’t want to have a child. I did.

It’s not that I feel that I was or am a bad mother to you.

Nor that you were a child difficult to cope with and raise.

But, it is true:

I had a life before you that will never come back.

When you came, I was almost 30 and had just landed at my first job after studying. At that moment of time, I could:

  • see all possibilities as opportunities for me; all I needed to do is choose and explore.
  • travel alone
  • go out for a walk anytime I felt so
  • watch 3 movies back to back and eat chips
  • read a book until very late at night if it was that interesting
  • have a hobby and go to the gym
  • not cook for days
  • have sex without scheduling for it
  • clean the house only once a week
  • buy new clothes, or
  • save some money at the end of the month if I wanted

At that moment, I thought it was easy to:

  • move to other countries
  • change job
  • divorce
  • keep my or any routine
  • keep calm
  • keep close to friends over the weekends

The first 6 months passed on auto-pilot. As if I had fallen asleep from spring to winter. If you ask me now, I can tell you here that it was not clear if it was night or day, if I was cooking, cleaning, sleeping, going out the trash, pushing the stroller around. I was doing all of that, most of the times somehow combined.

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Margarita Skopeliti

In clinical research in the morning. In clarity research afterwards. Love reading and writing while drinking coffee. Grateful for your ko-fi.com/bymargarita