Letter to my son: I had a life before you that I will never live again

Margarita Skopeliti
4 min readMay 16, 2022
Photo by Jorge Fakhouri Filho

I may be, probably a lot, very raw and brutal in this letter.

Reading this before your 30th birthday could be traumatic. So I will be sure this is not done by destroying this letter. And because I will be destroying this letter, I can write as free as I want, even exaggerate as a means of letting all feelings out.

Giving birth to you was a hallmark in my life.

It’s not that I didn’t want to have a child. I did.

It’s not that I feel that I was or am a bad mother to you.

Nor that you were a child difficult to cope with and raise.

But, it is true:

I had a life before you that will never come back.

When you came, I was almost 30 and had just landed at my first job after studying. At that moment of time, I could:

  • see all possibilities as opportunities for me; all I needed to do is choose and explore.
  • travel alone
  • go out for a walk anytime I felt so
  • watch 3 movies back to back and eat chips
  • read a book until very late at night if it was that interesting
  • have a hobby and go to the gym
  • not cook for days
  • have sex without scheduling for it
  • clean the house only once a week
  • buy new clothes, or
  • save some money at the end of the month if I wanted

At that moment, I thought it was easy to:

  • move to other countries
  • change job
  • divorce
  • keep my or any routine
  • keep calm
  • keep close to friends over the weekends

The first 6 months passed on auto-pilot. As if I had fallen asleep from spring to winter. If you ask me now, I can tell you here that it was not clear if it was night or day, if I was cooking, cleaning, sleeping, going out the trash, pushing the stroller around. I was doing all of that, most of the times somehow combined.



Margarita Skopeliti

In clinical research in the morning. In clarity research afterwards. Love reading and writing while drinking coffee. Grateful for your ko-fi.com/bymargarita