Letter to my son: I had a life before you that I will never live again

Photo by Jorge Fakhouri Filho

I may be, probably a lot, very raw and brutal in this letter.

Reading this before your 30th birthday could be traumatic. So I will be sure this is not done by destroying this letter. And because I will be destroying this letter, I can write as free as I want, even exaggerate as a means of letting all feelings out.

Giving birth to you was a hallmark in my life.

It’s not that I didn’t want to have a child. I did.

It’s not that I feel that I was or am a bad mother to you.

Nor that you were a child difficult to cope with and raise.

But, it is true:

I had a life before you that will never come back.

When you came, I was almost 30 and had just landed at my first job after studying. At that moment of time, I could:

• see all possibilities as opportunities for me; all I needed to do is choose and explore.
• travel alone
• go out for a walk anytime I felt so
• watch 3 movies back to back and eat chips
• read a book until very late at night if it was that interesting
• have a hobby and go to the gym