Letter to my son: There was no one to protect you from me.

You were alone.

Photo by Hugo Veldtman from Pexels

So many times, I was hurting you not loving you.

I see this now.

I see it takes time and mistakes to find out how to love someone with the way best fit for him.

I hope to find the courage to admit in words facing you so that you can forgive me. Until then I am writing.

I am sorry.

You were alone, alone against me. No one was there to protect you, to defend you, to control me when:

• I was shouting.
• I was exaggerating to show that I am a better mother compared to other at the playground.
• For one single mistake, I was stacking all your past mistakes and made you relive them and again.
• I was psychotic about cleaning while you were eating or playing.
• I was putting household first and then being tired to read a bedtime story.
• I was rushing you to dress and tied your shoe lashes and never got to show you how to do it yourself.
• For the sake of my ease and my peace of mind, I let you play violence centred video games for hours.
• Because I was afraid, and just because I wanted to rule out all odds, I risked and…