Letter to my son: There was no one to protect you from me.

You were alone.

Photo by Hugo Veldtman from Pexels

So many times, I was hurting you not loving you.

I see this now.

I see it takes time and mistakes to find out how to love someone with the way best fit for him.

I hope to find the courage to admit in words facing you so that you can forgive me. Until then I am writing.

I am sorry.

You were alone, alone against me. No one was there to protect you, to defend you, to control me when:

• I was shouting.
• I was exaggerating to show that I am a better mother compared to other at the playground.
• For one single mistake, I was stacking all your past mistakes and made you relive them and again.
• I was psychotic about cleaning while you were eating or playing.
• I was putting household first and then being tired to read a bedtime story.
• I was rushing you to dress and tied your shoe lashes and never got to show you how to do it yourself.
• For the sake of my ease and my peace of mind, I let you play violence centred video games for hours.
• Because I was afraid, and just because I wanted to rule out all odds, I risked and went through unnecessary medical tests and interventions while pregnant.
• I was noticing every little flaw on you and making a big deal out of it.
• I was giving you food that I like and not allowing to taste anything different.
• I was passing my fears on you and so allowing you to built yours on top of mine instead of having your own, probably smaller, set of of fears to face and conquer.
• I was worrying about your future instead of dreaming about your future.
• I was keeping you inside the house instead of getting out and adding experiences.
• I was filling your time with many and divergent activities that were draining you from energy and focus, thinking that they would allow you to find your “drive” mission, dream etc. Now I believe all you need is time in silence to look within after looking around you, no matter where you are or what you…